Make it Matter May : It All Matters When You're On Assignment

When looking at the most recently released images of Earth, it is hard not to feel like a tiny, insignificant speck aimlessly wandering about this gigantic round orb in this even more gigantic universe. It's daunting to think of all of the people living on it that we are supposed to love and care about. 

Hey look, there I am!

A glance at that makes me, momentarily at least, wonder if I really matter at all. Yesterday I went to work, talked on the phone, bought a rotisserie chicken at Ralph's, took a nap, went to the gym with my roommate, ate dinner, got in my Batman PJ's and finished Downton Abbey (my life is super exciting, I know). I thought I had a pretty productive day until I saw that picture. 

The news website that contained the picture also had headlines of prison camps in North Korea, of famine in Darfur, of riots in Istanbul, of the underground sex trade all over the world and of the potential of an impending economic collapse of the EU. Of celebrities marrying teenagers, of moral leaders falling to corruption, of free speech leading to prison, of schools being invaded by the state...the list goes on and on. 

The thought of fitting that whole messed up planet into my tiny heart makes my head spin. In a way, it makes me want to call it impossible now and throw in the towel. To not pressure myself into doing "the right thing" because what I (this tiny insignificant speck that is too small to be located on the satellite image of Earth) do doesn't really affect the world anyway.  To buy this T-shirt to notify everyone of my position.

Honesty is the best policy.

But then I think of Jesus. A savior who could fit the whole world into His heart and who could love each messed up person as if they were whole world. 

It got me wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing here. So I googled it. In the image section, this picture kept popping up.

Thanks, Google. 

Normally these types of things gross me out and I discount them as cheesy bumper stickers, but I clicked further in and was lead to this verse: " Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them." 1 Corinthians 7:17. 

The whole idea of being "assigned" to my situation was one that I had never thought about before. I started to think- well what the heck is my assignment then? To work, to talk on the phone, to buy chicken, to run? I'm kind of a procrastinator, is this an assignment I can do the night before? Does it really matter? 

While worrying about figuring out the assignment and if I'm doing anything that matters to it, a thought occurred to me.  Secret agents go on assignment. Adventuring Archaeologists go on assignment. Superheroes go on assignment. And suddenly the thought was exciting. 

What does someone on assignment do but take cues from his or her boss and represent the agency they work for while on the field? And not every assignment is somewhere super exciting. And not every assignment is one full of intrigue or international espionage. But it is important to the boss and the boss' agency, so the one who's on assignment (hopefully) follows the instructions and gets the job done while representing their agency well. 

The correlation here is obvious, I think...

Black Widow totally wears glasses.

Everything we do matters. We were assigned to our position- whether it be as a student, a mom, a hobo, a business person, a teacher, a friend, a barista, a struggling single, a traveller, a butcher a baker or a candlestick maker. It's easy to look at others around us and to think that what they're doing is more significant. But really, we should just be focused on our own assignment and putting our efforts into staying in tune with the Boss. And to make sure that we are representing the Agency well when we are buying chicken at Ralph's or at the gym with our friends.

And to be open to the Boss' instructions. You are not an accident, so your circumstances (as hard or mundane as they may seem sometimes) are not accidental either. To quote the great philosopher Gandalf "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

By deciding to follow and to trust that the Boss knows best and will never leave us or forsake us, we are deciding to make our time matter. We are deciding to work for and represent the ultimate Agency. To wear the uniform of Redeemed and represent it to the world while buying chicken. And, just like agents in the field, it may often seem like there is a lull in action, but we must use those times to rest and prepare and always be ready to go when we get the signal. 

And, to "Bloom Where We're Planted". Our location and our sphere of influence is intentional. Our neighbors, our friends, our delivery people, even our annoying check-out people at the store. By blooming where we are, instead of waiting for more interesting soil, we are being a source of beauty and inspiration for those around us. Isn't that what a flower is supposed to do? To remind us of the beauty in the world and point us to admiration of the gardener? 

Whether you are a flower or an agent (or a flagent), take heart and take pride in knowing that everything you do for  the Boss or the Gardener (or the Gardenoss) is significant because you were assigned to bloom in it. 

Here's to Mattering this Make it Matter May! 

Make it Matter May: Making Your Pain Matter

Sunday, May 6, was a big day.  For me, it was  a mile-marker in the Year of Dreams. The Pediatric Cancer Foundation holds an annual race in Irvine to raise money for pediatric cancer research. I have been training to do the 10K without passing out since February. And on Sunday, I did just that.

Unable to sleep, I was up at about 5AM getting dressed for the race. Adrenaline and excitement fueled me through the start line but,  a little more than halfway through the run, things got more difficult. 

There I was, aching all over, out of energy and the finish line seemed like forever away. Then, out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head:

"Kind of like last year, huh?"

And the symbolism of the race hit me and I actually began to cry a little...

About 4 years ago, a tough set of complex circumstances left me without a place to live. I went to stay for a week at the home of some close family friends, Mike and Erin, and ended up staying for about two and a half years. 

When I moved in, I unknowingly had a bullet-proof shell around my heart. Outside of immediate family, I did not truly love or trust anyone. For me, love and trust was not safe and, honestly, I'm not sure I knew how to do it properly. So, moving in with these people I admired was scary. What if they decided they really didn't like me after knowing me? What if I'm too much? What if I make their life bad? What if What if What if? 

Although they had never given me any reason to doubt, the fact that they were adult people who I had loved as much as I could at the time and people who I felt like might want to leave when I was too much, I kept myself pretty guarded for quite a long time. Aren't feelings just the greatest?

However, there was another in the household. He was 2 and a half at the time and the funniest kid you ever met. I had watched him grow and seen him weekly since he was born, but this was different. We were neighbors now (his room was next to mine). It took next to no time for me to truly love Cade. He always was a special kid. He would get jokes way beyond him, he would engage adults in conversations, and had this very matter-of-fact, sure-of-himself way of looking at the world. We laughed at the same things, had a lot of the same interests and genuinely had a lot of fun. The Kid had melted his way through the bullet proof glass and given me a soft-spot in my heart. In a weird way, this kid who was too young to even go to school taught me how to love. 

Circa 2008

Here he was, not only a kid (where as kids don't normally judge, reject or expect you to be anything in particular), but an amazing and unique kid who was actually fun to hang around with. Who could be safer to love than that?

Fast forward 3 years. Through their love and dedication, I left Mike and Erin's house a different person then when I came in. It was more complex and took a little longer than with Cade, but I loved trusted them (still do) as friends, mentors, and second parents (or as I like to call it-  Frentarents). 

My stubborn heart had new occupants. As it's landlord, my brain had done everything in its power to check and double-check that the occupants were safe. Jesus was there, too. And as Mr. Beaver says about Aslan in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe : "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Through the next year, I would learn first-hand just what Mr. Beaver was talking about.

The day after I got to hold Lucy, Cade's little sister, for the first time, (who, by the way, gained automatic heart-occupancy), I got a call from Erin saying that something was seriously wrong with Cade and that they think there might be a lesion on his brain. After getting off of the phone, I laid up in my squeaky loft bed and cried for the first time in 10 years. Throughout the next month, a tumor would be discovered, two intense brain surgeries would be performed, and a stroke would occur leading to temporary paralysis. A constant stream of words like "life in peril, risky, dangerous, unknown" all describing Cade and the family's situation was terrifying. It was the most painful thing I had experienced to date.

While Mike and Erin were dealing with everything in prayer and in God-  making their pain matter- even going as far as encouraging countless others in proclaiming that "God is Good All the Time" during the most difficult time in their lives, I was not handling it in the same way. 

I was not being helpful to anyone and was taking my pain and laying in it. Swimming in it. Drowning in it. Trying to run and escape from it.  I was raging at God. I felt tricked. I spent years building the wall around my heart. Growing up I had loved so many that went away or ended up being a source of pain.  The wall, the bullet proof glass was supposed to protect me from that. I spent a long time in "This wasn't supposed to happen! He was safe! They were safe! Why would You to this to them? To him? To me?" 

Then whispers of the enemy: He's just showing you that you aren't supposed to love. He's just showing you that you aren't worth that. 

And I almost believed it. For many months, I did not make my pain matter. I tried to run from it. To escape. I almost let it go to waste and almost let myself waste away with it. 

A little over a year and hundreds of freedoms later, I see things differently. While all of that still hurt and there are sometimes twinges of residual pain, I am able to clearly see that God is in the business of making ugly things beautiful. I am able to see how many people are being reached by Cade's story. How much good is being done with something that seemed so bad. In myself, I am seeing broken walls in my heart. Walls that I thought were protecting it, but were really holding it captive. Love is able to pour in and flow out like it never was before.

And on Sunday, wearing a Team Cade T-shirt, I ran a 10K for Cade. Like last year, each step was work. And, interestingly enough, like last year, I got a little lost, zig-zagged and added an extra loop to the race, making it 1.2 miles longer than it should have been. 

Yeah, those lines are supposed to be straight. 

But it was worth it. Each exhausted and aching step mattered, taking me closer to the finish line. When I finally got there, there were several people there cheering. Fellow Team Cade runners, the Frentarents and, best of all, Cade. 

At 3, the kid taught me how to love. At 6, he taught me how to hope. Fingers crossed for flying lessons at 9. 

I have learned that if we allow God to use our pain and painful situations, He will use it to free and shape us and to show others His goodness. Life is full of difficulties, so pain is inevitable. We can waste it and wallow or we can allow God to Make it Matter.   

Good luck and Godspeed as you learn to Make it Matter this May!

Make it Matter May: April Resistance brings May Persistence?

Before diving into Make it Matter May, let me reiterate: Adjust Your Attitude April was, by far, the most difficult month so far in the Year of Dreams. However, if mastered, the month could be the most beneficial to carry out throughout the rest of the year (and life). 

In this month that I have struggled so much with, I have also learned the most.  One of the most glaring lessons was this:

When you posture yourself and declare outwardly an adjustment (in life or in attitude) towards things that are positive and good, you WILL be met with resistance.

In personal experience and in many conversations with others this month I have pinpointed 3 kinds of resistance you will encounter.

1) Self-resistance 

This type of resistance is one of our most primal and obvious. Sadly, a lot of things that are good for us take effort and are not self-serving. Dang. For some reason, much of our self-centered tendencies are left over from baby-dom. Instead of pushing through resistance to our goal, we sit and cry about it in our own filth. Think of how many more cookies you would have snagged if you'd only collected yourself and seen that the lower cabinet shelving makes an excellent stepladder.

2) Enemy-resistance:

So when you declare a change in attitude or in life that leads to freedom, the enemy is pretty P.O'd. The fact that you are working to break a chain that you didn't realize was there before means that he loses footing in your life. Not his favorite, so he will make sure there is resistance. Hoping you will fail, he is ready to convict, blame and taunt you as soon as you fall to his resistance.  He will use all of your weaknesses and everything that has worked in the past. Prepare yourself. Knowing what is going on is half of the battle. The good news is that all of it is happening under God's watch, so He knows you can handle it or will step in if it is too hard and you ask Him to.  

3)God- resistance: 

Once you declare something with your words, it seems like God wants you to put your feet to it. Have you ever said "I'm going to be a more gracious person today" and then said some very unkind words to those...rude...people on the freeway five minutes later? Oh, me either. It seems like these situations have two benefits. The first benefit is it acts as a mirror, showing us who we really are despite what we declare we are. This isn't to put us down, but to show us how much we really need God to persevere. The next  benefit is the practicing of our faith. Sometimes it takes a lot of small things like not going crazy on rude people in traffic everyday to be be able to handle bigger things later like being wronged by a friend or family member. Baby steps.

Or baby-weights. 

Despite all of this resistance, freedom is a cause worth fighting for. When you adjust your attitude and continue on with it despite your obstacle, you becoming stronger. And, just like with exercise- the stronger you get, the easier it becomes and the more you are able to handle. 

But now it is Make it Matter May of the Year of Dreams. It's easy to get stuck in routine and the mundane workings of daily life. This month will be focused on turning those things (even if that just means changing how we see them) into things that will matter in the long run. Since you matter to God, what you do is significant, too. We get so trapped in our worries that we are paralyzed and sometimes rendered ineffective. We get so wrapped up in people and comparisons that we begin to believe what we do is insignificant. We get so consumed with our own need for comfort that we do as little as possible to get through the tasks put in front of us. Now is the time to try and combat that. To begin to realize that there's more to life then what you see and more to offer then you realized. 

Time to Make it Matter this May!