Make it Matter May: Making Your Pain Matter

Sunday, May 6, was a big day.  For me, it was  a mile-marker in the Year of Dreams. The Pediatric Cancer Foundation holds an annual race in Irvine to raise money for pediatric cancer research. I have been training to do the 10K without passing out since February. And on Sunday, I did just that.

Unable to sleep, I was up at about 5AM getting dressed for the race. Adrenaline and excitement fueled me through the start line but,  a little more than halfway through the run, things got more difficult. 

There I was, aching all over, out of energy and the finish line seemed like forever away. Then, out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head:

"Kind of like last year, huh?"

And the symbolism of the race hit me and I actually began to cry a little...

About 4 years ago, a tough set of complex circumstances left me without a place to live. I went to stay for a week at the home of some close family friends, Mike and Erin, and ended up staying for about two and a half years. 

When I moved in, I unknowingly had a bullet-proof shell around my heart. Outside of immediate family, I did not truly love or trust anyone. For me, love and trust was not safe and, honestly, I'm not sure I knew how to do it properly. So, moving in with these people I admired was scary. What if they decided they really didn't like me after knowing me? What if I'm too much? What if I make their life bad? What if What if What if? 

Although they had never given me any reason to doubt, the fact that they were adult people who I had loved as much as I could at the time and people who I felt like might want to leave when I was too much, I kept myself pretty guarded for quite a long time. Aren't feelings just the greatest?

However, there was another in the household. He was 2 and a half at the time and the funniest kid you ever met. I had watched him grow and seen him weekly since he was born, but this was different. We were neighbors now (his room was next to mine). It took next to no time for me to truly love Cade. He always was a special kid. He would get jokes way beyond him, he would engage adults in conversations, and had this very matter-of-fact, sure-of-himself way of looking at the world. We laughed at the same things, had a lot of the same interests and genuinely had a lot of fun. The Kid had melted his way through the bullet proof glass and given me a soft-spot in my heart. In a weird way, this kid who was too young to even go to school taught me how to love. 

Circa 2008

Here he was, not only a kid (where as kids don't normally judge, reject or expect you to be anything in particular), but an amazing and unique kid who was actually fun to hang around with. Who could be safer to love than that?

Fast forward 3 years. Through their love and dedication, I left Mike and Erin's house a different person then when I came in. It was more complex and took a little longer than with Cade, but I loved trusted them (still do) as friends, mentors, and second parents (or as I like to call it-  Frentarents). 

My stubborn heart had new occupants. As it's landlord, my brain had done everything in its power to check and double-check that the occupants were safe. Jesus was there, too. And as Mr. Beaver says about Aslan in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe : "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Through the next year, I would learn first-hand just what Mr. Beaver was talking about.

The day after I got to hold Lucy, Cade's little sister, for the first time, (who, by the way, gained automatic heart-occupancy), I got a call from Erin saying that something was seriously wrong with Cade and that they think there might be a lesion on his brain. After getting off of the phone, I laid up in my squeaky loft bed and cried for the first time in 10 years. Throughout the next month, a tumor would be discovered, two intense brain surgeries would be performed, and a stroke would occur leading to temporary paralysis. A constant stream of words like "life in peril, risky, dangerous, unknown" all describing Cade and the family's situation was terrifying. It was the most painful thing I had experienced to date.

While Mike and Erin were dealing with everything in prayer and in God-  making their pain matter- even going as far as encouraging countless others in proclaiming that "God is Good All the Time" during the most difficult time in their lives, I was not handling it in the same way. 

I was not being helpful to anyone and was taking my pain and laying in it. Swimming in it. Drowning in it. Trying to run and escape from it.  I was raging at God. I felt tricked. I spent years building the wall around my heart. Growing up I had loved so many that went away or ended up being a source of pain.  The wall, the bullet proof glass was supposed to protect me from that. I spent a long time in "This wasn't supposed to happen! He was safe! They were safe! Why would You to this to them? To him? To me?" 

Then whispers of the enemy: He's just showing you that you aren't supposed to love. He's just showing you that you aren't worth that. 

And I almost believed it. For many months, I did not make my pain matter. I tried to run from it. To escape. I almost let it go to waste and almost let myself waste away with it. 

A little over a year and hundreds of freedoms later, I see things differently. While all of that still hurt and there are sometimes twinges of residual pain, I am able to clearly see that God is in the business of making ugly things beautiful. I am able to see how many people are being reached by Cade's story. How much good is being done with something that seemed so bad. In myself, I am seeing broken walls in my heart. Walls that I thought were protecting it, but were really holding it captive. Love is able to pour in and flow out like it never was before.

And on Sunday, wearing a Team Cade T-shirt, I ran a 10K for Cade. Like last year, each step was work. And, interestingly enough, like last year, I got a little lost, zig-zagged and added an extra loop to the race, making it 1.2 miles longer than it should have been. 

Yeah, those lines are supposed to be straight. 

But it was worth it. Each exhausted and aching step mattered, taking me closer to the finish line. When I finally got there, there were several people there cheering. Fellow Team Cade runners, the Frentarents and, best of all, Cade. 

At 3, the kid taught me how to love. At 6, he taught me how to hope. Fingers crossed for flying lessons at 9. 

I have learned that if we allow God to use our pain and painful situations, He will use it to free and shape us and to show others His goodness. Life is full of difficulties, so pain is inevitable. We can waste it and wallow or we can allow God to Make it Matter.   

Good luck and Godspeed as you learn to Make it Matter this May!

Make it Matter May: April Resistance brings May Persistence?

Before diving into Make it Matter May, let me reiterate: Adjust Your Attitude April was, by far, the most difficult month so far in the Year of Dreams. However, if mastered, the month could be the most beneficial to carry out throughout the rest of the year (and life). 

In this month that I have struggled so much with, I have also learned the most.  One of the most glaring lessons was this:

When you posture yourself and declare outwardly an adjustment (in life or in attitude) towards things that are positive and good, you WILL be met with resistance.

In personal experience and in many conversations with others this month I have pinpointed 3 kinds of resistance you will encounter.

1) Self-resistance 

This type of resistance is one of our most primal and obvious. Sadly, a lot of things that are good for us take effort and are not self-serving. Dang. For some reason, much of our self-centered tendencies are left over from baby-dom. Instead of pushing through resistance to our goal, we sit and cry about it in our own filth. Think of how many more cookies you would have snagged if you'd only collected yourself and seen that the lower cabinet shelving makes an excellent stepladder.

2) Enemy-resistance:

So when you declare a change in attitude or in life that leads to freedom, the enemy is pretty P.O'd. The fact that you are working to break a chain that you didn't realize was there before means that he loses footing in your life. Not his favorite, so he will make sure there is resistance. Hoping you will fail, he is ready to convict, blame and taunt you as soon as you fall to his resistance.  He will use all of your weaknesses and everything that has worked in the past. Prepare yourself. Knowing what is going on is half of the battle. The good news is that all of it is happening under God's watch, so He knows you can handle it or will step in if it is too hard and you ask Him to.  

3)God- resistance: 

Once you declare something with your words, it seems like God wants you to put your feet to it. Have you ever said "I'm going to be a more gracious person today" and then said some very unkind words to those...rude...people on the freeway five minutes later? Oh, me either. It seems like these situations have two benefits. The first benefit is it acts as a mirror, showing us who we really are despite what we declare we are. This isn't to put us down, but to show us how much we really need God to persevere. The next  benefit is the practicing of our faith. Sometimes it takes a lot of small things like not going crazy on rude people in traffic everyday to be be able to handle bigger things later like being wronged by a friend or family member. Baby steps.

Or baby-weights. 

Despite all of this resistance, freedom is a cause worth fighting for. When you adjust your attitude and continue on with it despite your obstacle, you becoming stronger. And, just like with exercise- the stronger you get, the easier it becomes and the more you are able to handle. 

But now it is Make it Matter May of the Year of Dreams. It's easy to get stuck in routine and the mundane workings of daily life. This month will be focused on turning those things (even if that just means changing how we see them) into things that will matter in the long run. Since you matter to God, what you do is significant, too. We get so trapped in our worries that we are paralyzed and sometimes rendered ineffective. We get so wrapped up in people and comparisons that we begin to believe what we do is insignificant. We get so consumed with our own need for comfort that we do as little as possible to get through the tasks put in front of us. Now is the time to try and combat that. To begin to realize that there's more to life then what you see and more to offer then you realized. 

Time to Make it Matter this May!  

Adjust Your Attitude April: The Ultimate Attitude Adjustment

This has, by far, been the most difficult month so far in the Year of Dreams. I have found myself acting more like a toddler than ever before. What's scary is I'm pretty sure it's how I always act, yet I am only noticing it this month because I am trying to combat my natural instincts and adjust my attitude.

But I wanted Mickey!

 As difficult as it has been, I realized I couple of things. This time last year, I was stuck in a rut. Last year was the hardest of my life. Circumstance after circumstance sent me into an internally spiraling tailspin of anger and pain. And I became a jerk. I was raging and allowing myself to rage, feeling justified in all my actions. Adjusting my attitude was a choice I was not going to make because raging and wallowing were easier and made more sense. I didn't bring my anger or pain to a place it could be calmed. I just fueled it with self-pity and dulled it with escapism. Adjusting my attitude didn't seem possible. Perhaps it wasn't  possible in my own strength. 

Since I have a hard time expressing myself directly and explaining how I'm feeling in a concrete way, words kind of pour out of my mind onto paper in a way that makes sense to me. I have a hard time yelling in anger and vulnerable emotions, so it will often come out as a poem or random collections of thoughts.

Around this time last year, I came to a point where I couldn't bear everything any longer. For the first time, I brought my anger and rage honestly to God. I wrote it down and called it Part 1. 

 Last week was a hard week. Stresses creeped up and I let them get the better of me....but only for a day or so. 

And  on Friday, circumstances from last year and last week unchanged, another thing poured out of me: Gratefulness.  I wrote it down and called it Part 2. 

God's freedom is the Ultimate Attitude Adjustment. 

As I went back and read "Part 1", I realized something else. God still loved me then. Even when I was at my darkest, He loved me. He died for me even when I was a self-pitying, self-righteous, self-centered, miserable jerk. (Romans 5:8). Boy am I glad that my God is a God who never needs an attitude adjustment. 

Written May 2011: 

 part 1 

it's easy to be content when the rent is paid

when the streets are laid with opportunity and fortune. 

when love is clear, it's easy to hear the songs that the universe is playing-

the music that brings our neighbors to sing and come back to you.

but for me, you see, that's not true.

i can't hear the songs, i can' hear the rhymes

over the sound of the wrongs and the sound of the crimes.

will i do time in a cell of hell, convicted on the spot

where i finally fell?

will you reach out to me or not?

will i have the strength to reach back through the pain and the crap

or will i sink in the sand unable to grasp your hand

this anger is not righteous, but it's real.

how i feel is not a joke,

though it comes and it goes like a puff of smoke from a cigarette filled with poison and tar

that i choose to inhale to forget who you are. 

to forget what you say about who i am,

about your plan that has me carved in the palm of your hand.

i grasp what you say with my mind, but my heart is still trailing behind.

tired from this race, it can't keep up with the pace of this life

bombarded with strife and pain,

where gain is loss and loss is gain. 

in vain i try to trust, 

with machinery forged in rust.

must i be stuck in this prison of self,

unable to reach the blessings sitting on the shelf?

am i doomed to a life with this bitter narrow view?

did you not die for me, too? 

i am ready for the next part of this story.

the part where where i give you the glory.

where we meet and defeat this titan that keeps me from seeing

this story you're writing on my heart,

that tears me apart, and keeps me from seeing your light in the dark. 

we'll tear down these walls that were built,

some before i was born and some after by guilt and fear and shame

to protect me from love and protect me from pain.

these walls that have become my friends,

knowing my secrets and letting me pretend to be alive when i'm not really living,

keeping me from feeling, but also keeping me from forgiving. 

i'm ready for that day, hoping it's near.

i'm still stuck, rooted to the spot in fear,

knowing you can do it, yet  alarmed you will not 

choose to heal these bruises because of how i feel. 

you are real, you are truth,

whatever i call you and whatever the proof

my life has dealt, whatever i have felt,

you are there.

you are near.

you are here.

give me new eyes to see that i am with you and you are with me

and together we can go out and shout loud enough to break down other walls

and heed the calls of others stuck in the muck and stuck in the mire,

hearts burning with the fire of pain and despair

instead of burning with the the love and the hope that comes with knowing you are there. 

so, please, pull me out of this pit of self pityand deliver me to the city of hope

where i can look back at the things in my life that weren't pretty

and know that you were the one weeping and keeping my heart from exploding.

that you were the one protecting, not rejecting,

and keeping the crimes against me from infecting my heart or my ears so bad that i couldn't hear

when you called so many years ago.

that you are the one who has redeemed my woe

and produced with it a weapon of steel,

that i have made useless because of how i feel.

help me to see what i know with my mind, with the eyes of my heart.

give me a new start, connected only to you

so that i can reach many and turn my few into plenty. 

i'm ready to be met in this terrible place. 

i'm down on my face, stuck in the pit,

reaching out my hand.

please take it. 

Written April 2012

part 2

Despite me you have restored me

You have poured into me this spring of life

That wets  my tongue parched by the dry heat of the world,

So  that I can sing your praises 

Trapped in a chain of lies disguised by reason

I ran away from your plan

Away  from your hand that had committed treason against my logic

Whispers of the enemy grew louder 

And I cradled them for comfort

In my arms they burned me,

They turned me into an enemy of myself

Wearing the armor of worthless of victim of hopeless and of hell.

In my  self righteous rage I called out to you from my cage of fire

And you answered.

Protected and covered in your blood  

you dragged me through the part of hell that was hot enough to melt away the chain around my heart

The chain that was tearing me apart, causing my soul to sputter and choke

And In your arms we left that terrible place

On our skin not even a trace of smoke lingers

My sin, once again, crossed out by the one that the cross tells about

You broke into my heart to get me out of the pit

bit by bit you're Still tearing down walls,

preparing me to heed the calls of others 

still stuck in the muck and stuck in the mire, 

hearts burning with the fire of pain and dispair 

instead of burning with the love and hope that comes from knowing you are there 

You have used the flames of the enemy to melt the chains of the chosen

The eyes of my heart, once frozen in an eternal winter, have been warmed and melted into spring. 

Finally it is learning to sing the song of glory for the one who has transformed my story of pain into a weapon that can take down giants. 

Though I stumble and falter through each day

Your way is clear to me now, even in the shadow of death.

Where there once was a chain constricting the flow of your blood to my heart, 

there is now only air. 

For the chain, like death, has been defeated.

It is not there.

I highly recommend allowing God to Adjust Your Attitude this April.

Adjust Your Attitude April: Even Gardens Grow From Fertilizer

Well it's officially April. Time seems to drag by quickly when you are out trying to make things happen.

Anyway, welcome to Adjust Your Attitude April! This is by far the most difficult month yet because sometimes (meaning most of the time) it is just easier to complain.

Life is hard. That's something you can take to the bank even when you're so broke that you are turning a piece of sprouted bread and hummus into a deluxe gourmet dinner. Even Jesus told us that:  "In this world you will have trouble..."  John 16:33

Shoot. I'm not a huge fan of trouble. It's just so...troublesome. 

But then Jesus goes on to say in that same verse "But take heart, because I have overcome the world."  Sometimes I like to insert my own trouble into that verse. For example "In this world you will have car trouble" or "In this world you will have money trouble" or "In this world you will have people trouble, hair trouble, body trouble, work trouble, food trouble, kid trouble, and [insert your own trouble here] trouble. But TAKE HEART because I have overcome the world."

It's almost like Jesus is aknowledging and validating our struggles as human beings, then laying down the trump card of what he did for us, compelling us to "take heart". Like He's saying "Yes life is hard, but look what I did for you so trust me and don't complain."

In comparison to Jesus' sacrifice, all of our problems look small.

Now, obviously, all troubles are not created equal. A stubbed toe is not equal to a lost job. A car accident is not equal to the frustration of a green light when you are not finished with your text. But all troubles happen under God's watchful eye. A year ago, this idea was frustrating to me. I battled with why God would allow such pain and trouble in the world. Wouldn't it be  much more pleasant and easy if troubles melted like lemon drops like they do over the rainbow? This year I see it much differently. 

Each moment, subject, event, and circumstance in our lives are like individual puzzle pieces. When a trouble comes along that doesn't seem to fit, all we can see is the jagged edges and confusing crevices. But God has the box for the puzzle of what our lives are meant to look like and who we are meant to be. Each piece is purposefully allowed so that, in the end, we will be a pieced-together  beautiful picture instead of a bunch of broken pieces. 

Take Heart.

Since the world has been overcome and our troubles are meant to shape us, why does it still seem so difficult to take heart? I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure it boils down to one key thing: 

We believe that, in order to adjust our attitude, we have to really FEEL it. I have seen a lot of Christian literature that makes it seem like "God loves you so you need to be happy about everything that happens". This is just plain ridiculous. Losing a job is not a happy thing (unless you work at Starbucks and are the world's worst barista, but that's another story). Losing a loved one is not a happy thing. Sickness, death, pain and suffering are not happy things. Even less critical things can be hard: School loans, kids, doctors, rent, taxes, family, trying to be vegan for lent..whatever! Whatever trouble you inserted into John 16:33 is something that I am sure you are not feeling super jazzed about. 

However, adjusting your attitude is not about feeling happy about your struggles, but it's about not allowing them to dictate your actions or define your life. It's about realizing that not all things are good, but that the One who is allowing those things to happen is always good and will be using all of that tough stuff for the good of those that love him.  Romans 8:28.

I mean, if you think about it, the most beautiful gardens in the world are grown out of the most potent fertilizer. And, to keep them beautiful, the gardeners have to re-sprinkle some poo every once in a while. 

So the challenge this month is to take your troubles in stride. To put them in perspective and keep them in their proper place rather than let them leech out into your everyday life. It is an active choice that takes some work, but side effects may include:  a changed perspective, a more grateful heart, less complaining, more friends (because who really likes to hang out with a complainer?), and less internal stress. If a relaxed state of being persists for longer than 4 hours, contact your local cynic immediately.

Good luck and Godspeed as you endeavor to Adjust Your Attitude this April!